An email in your inbox that nobody wants to receive

I received an email today in my inbox from a very dear friend of mine in Brisbane, a very dear friend of mine who is dying of breast cancer, it has been a long and hard battle for her. She has kept us all up to date with her journey, almost like a diary of her death and today she sent this below, no-one should have to ever write their own goodbye & thankyou email, I hope you will join me in a prayer for her at this time.

Subject: To my friends goodbye and thank you

Hello Everybody

This maybe the last email you will get from me because as a lot of you know ive been told I only have weeks to live.

Im not being dramatic its the way it is and my sister has come up from Canberra to take me out of the hospital for a couple of hours so I can tidy a few things up and send of the emails to people who dont know about the situation and to thank you all for all the love and friendship that you have shown to me over the years and also thru this terrible cancer journey.

I cant talk or cope with too much as the cancer has gone into the lining of my lymphs in my lung and the doctors have told me there is absolutely nothing else for me so Im at the mater onchology public ward for a while until they can organise palliative care.My brother has said he would come and help me but the doctors need to know that I will have someone who can be with me to help me before organising a respite centre for me to go to live out my final days (if i live that long).

I actually slept for a few hours last night for the first time in 3 months and when I woke up in the quietness of the morning at 2.30 and had time to sit and adjust and have my quiet thoughts the penny dropped of what my doctor had actually said to me on Friday.

He was extremely abrupt and my poor friend Annemarie and I were not even sure what he had said at first as he was just so nervous about delivering the news. He asked how I was and we both said dont ask and he said well of course she has cancer all thru her lungs and only weeks to live??? Annemarie asked him again what he had said and he said I dont know you and never met you before but she said weve met you 6 or more times and then he started dribbling on about all the medical situation and basically said that there was nothing could be done and that I will die.I had packed a bag and wanted to be admitted but he was a bit hesitant at first as he thought I wouldnt last the stay.

Im beginning to feel that way myself as Ive pulled up quite ill today and am coughing and have a sore throat. I think that hospital is and will and has the been the finish of me.I would probably be better off home but they are keeping me over the weekend and then will talk about things at the beginning of the week.My brother said he would help and I guess I will have to see how it goes .I have had offers from the lovely friends who came to visit me today so thank you for that too and also to Peter for postponing his trip back to China to come and help as well.

Its all very daunting and I still cant believe it and I know that a lot of you cant either and have cried buckets of tears for and with me about it.I just wanted to put in writing that I love you all very much. I know that weve had some wonderful times together and some hard ones too but I want you all to remember the laughter and my funny old ways.

My funeral is to be a celebration of life. Not only to me but to the value of my friends and what friendship is all about.I love you all very much and remember that when there maybe a quiet moment and the wind stirs up and the chimes on your front porch or back verandah may start going ballistic...its just me passing thru letting you know that Im still around.

All my love

Loox

(My reply)

Hi Loo,

Wow, what a short journey, you and I have had as friends, I don’t know what to say. I am truly honoured to have known you. You never did make it to the West, so please come and visit in the next life and see those bloody wildflowers in the Springtime.

I wish you no more pain, no more suffering and peace, finally be at peace with yourself. I’m so glad that Darran and I got to spend a few hours with you last month (last year), know that you have left lots of little “dints” in people’s hearts & I will never forget you.

Take comfort in those who will surround you in their love at this time, and remember all the good things that you’ve achieved in your short life – don’t reflect on the bad.

Be brave, be strong & when it’s time to go, say goodbye to us all with the love that you always have had and will have in your heart my friend.

I look forward to catching you in the next life and when I can hear that booming laugh of yours again.

Love always & forever,

Janice

xxx

Suffer for Fashion & Do's & Don'ts for 2009 (Personality)

Suffer for Fashion....an interesting saying I’ve always thought but today I think I became a victim to it. I went to get my nails done and while I was there, realised that my legs could probably do with a wax as they were looking a little unkempt. So in my infinite wisdom, I asked if they would have time to do a half leg wax while I was there. She said “sure, after we’ve done your nails” so away I go. Now I’ve had leg waxes before but I’m not too sure what she used this time but as I soon found out after leaving my legs were feeling a little “sticky” not the normal feeling from wax. Off I went to medicare, another fascinating place I find, such a melting pot of people there and not somewhere I frequent all that often although it seems to be that the majority of people there do, especially a lot of very young mothers, but I digress. So I take a number, take a seat and wait, eventually that automated voice called my number and I went to get up and felt a little stuck to the chair, didn’t think much of it and away I went. Then I went over to Crazy Clarks to buy a couple of artists canvases as they are closing down and were going cheap, when I happened to brush past a towel which consequently also stuck to my leg. I looked down and to my horror I looked like a reverse lamington, white with all bits of fluff stuck to my leg where the sticky wax or whatever she used has clearly not come off. I had a chuckle to myself, and continued shopping, I’ve since gotten home and tried to get it off of me, but it’s staying put, one would hope it will come off in the shower tonight as everytime I sit on the lounge, which is black, I end up with black fluff all over me.....hmmmm, what we women do hey?

Time for some more Do’s & Don'ts for 2009.

Personality
Don’t overdo. Keep your limits.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No-one else does.
Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
Dream more while you’re awake.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
Realise that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Smile and laugh more.You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Do's & Dont's for 2009 (Health)

A very dear friend of mine sent me a beautiful email with Do's & Dont's of 2009 so I thought I would share:

Health
· Drink plenty of water
· Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince & dinner like a beggar
· Eat more foods that grow on trees & plants and less food that is manufactured in plants.
· Live with the 3 E’s – Energy, Enthusiasm & Empathy.
· Make time to practice meditation, yoga & prayer.
· Play more games
· Read more books than you did in 2008.
· Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
· Sleep for 7 hours.
· Take a 10-30 minute walk every day and while you walk, SMILE

Mothers hand me down issues....

So many topics to discuss, where do I start? The cat is still not eating, so I locked her inside today with a full bowl of food hoping that she might eat something.
D evac’d off rig due to Cyclone Dominic and he’s living it up in the lap of luxury at the Hyatt in Perth no less, gee and I was under the assumption that working offshore was hard work? But it is cyclone season I guess.
The friend saga, ok well I thought I had managed to successfully get rid of them but no such luck – any of my friends that happen to be reading this wondering if it could be you – it’s NOT. These are people, I would loosely call them 'acquaintances' actually who you meet by chance (both male) and because the husband works away think that they can “help you out” in other ways……..and are not afraid of telling you in more colourful language than what I’ve just used.
I mean if I was single I’d be happy, but I’m not, and it doesn’t matter how many times you stress this to them and that you are truly not interested and that I love & respect my husband of 20 odd years, it kind of goes in one ear and out the other and whilst it’s in the space between the ears it seems to translate into “sure, I’m saying no, but I really mean yes” WTF? It’s getting to the point now where I’ve actually said to the pair of them “F-off” and they still don’t get it?
I am a person of value and I think that is my problem, my downfall, you see if someone sends me a text message or an email, I don’t want to be rude & I think that they have taken the time to send it, I should be courteous and reply – this has obviously gotten me in trouble and getting me nowhere fast.
This has a lot to do with my upbringing – my mum always taught me “don’t say no, become a ‘yes' girl and people will like you. You don’t want to upset people by saying “no”, You don’t want people not liking you and when they don’t like you we need to obsess over what on earth we have done wrong” Hmmm, well I can tell you from experience that this has got me absolutely nowhere in life being like this but I propose that it was what my gran taught my mum and bless her she thought she’d bequeath it to me.
Anyway, I digress, so here I am in this situation. What I find strange is the fact that I think I’m overweight (which I am, there's no doubt in this issue) and don’t think of myself as that pretty, beautiful or sexy and yet, I have way more attention than I can handle and from 2 married men. Why is it as girls, we grow up with so many issues, sometimes I wish I could be like a man and just say what I feel, do what I feel with no regard for what anyone else thinks. Perhaps I need to adopt this stance on the issue.
Townsville deadline today, no news as yet, I’m getting nervous. D thinks that we have nothing to worry about; hopefully I will have news tomorrow.

Laying in bed

There I was this morning, sound asleep when suddenly I woke for no apparent reason, then I layed there and you know how your mind starts to wander. I'm in the middle of reading Eckhart Tolle's - The Power of Now and i know now that I seem to pay more attention to what my mind is actually saying.
So then, I turn over, thrash about in the sheets, saying to myself "go to sleep" but to no avail. Our 18 year old cat, god love her, started her morning coughing routine - so I thought, ok, I'll just go to the loo and then I'll get back in bed and I'll go back to sleep. So that's what I did, both of the cats for once in their lives looked tired, and at me "what on earth are you doing up at 4.43" then of course as the toilet is right near the cats bowls, as soon as I walk that way they run to their bowls and therein lies the problem.
So I got back in bed, but both cats now were at the door, i got back in bed, thrashed around a bit more telling myself to go back to sleep when I thought "this is clearly not working, I'll get up"
Tiger, the 18 year old cat has almost stopped eating now and she is going through the same process as Blue our 15 year old cat did. I hate to admit it, but I think she's heading out soon.
So, if anyone can offer any tips on what to feed her, I'd sure appreciate them. I've tried tuna, ham, hills science diet which she actually ate a bit of today, going to try her on some mince i think and see how she goes. She's gotten so thin, and the vet just tells us that she's an old cat - hey, I wish I could live to the ripe old age of 19 cat years thats for sure but I don't want her to suffer in anyway.
D told her before he left for work that she had to still be here when he got back in 3 weeks, she looked at him like "where am I going?" I'll just keep plodding along with her, and feeding her a bit here and there when she wants to eat, that's all I can do.

Confessions of a Real Estate junkie

Ok, so my other passion apart from the dog & jewellery making.............real estate.
I confess, I was never like this until my D and I decided that the Australian Government are never going to fund the type of lifestyle we want when we're retired (unless of course either he or I become Prime Minister and chances of that are slim to say the least) Not only that he and I are not real favourable of working til we're, oh, um, 65?????
Just because it was our parents work ethic to study ____ (what's that word?) and get a good ___ (I can hear you saying it) doesn't mean that it's ours.
Don't get me wrong, we work hard, and I think he does more than I as he has to sacrifice his home life for 3 weeks at a time while he works offshore but we think that we would like to stop working in about 2 years or so and retire then. So, that being said, where does that leave us?
Hmmm, Mr Rudd, I don't see you at all paying us to stay at home and do things that WE like doing, so real estate became our hobby and it's going pretty well.
We have 2 investment properties now and have just gone into negotiations for a 3rd but I can't help myself but look at realestate.com.au all the time, just looking, looking, looking, like a junkie needing a fix.
I was this way with Facebook but not anymore, I think maybe because it's the incentive that we will soon have all the time in the world for that kind stuff, so it can wait and I need to put more work in to get us there.
So these next 3 weeks we enter our Due Diligence stage where I'll be running around, doing all the checking, organising building inspection, pest inspection, speaking with the shire, and doing lots of looking at current infrastructure that's going to keep me busy and before we know it we will hopefully own our 3rd place.
Still no news on the Townsville front, close of business on Tuesday is the deadline, keeping positive, it's going to happen I just know it........

Time to fight my demons

Took D to Perth lastnight and he flew back to work this morning for 3 weeks. I realised on the way up that I hadn't been to Perth since just before christmas. The city that I had lived in for all of my life until 9 months ago holds no attraction for me anymore. I never thought I'd feel like that about the city, I used to love it but not anymore, instead all I get is cranky as I drive the second hour of the journey from our new home down south. All those people who incessantly insist on driving in the right hand lane, regardless of whether or not they're doing 5kms under the speed limit - it's their right and that's what they're going to do.......and we wonder why so many people end up sick. If all you care about is making someone elses life hard it's going to come back and bite you on the bum at sometime, in any way it can, the old adage "what goes around"
Anyway, enough of that, so here I am alone for the next 3 weeks, knowing that it's time to face a lot of demons that I've been pushing away for so so long. It's been easy while D has been home, I haven't focussed on them but now that he's gone, I'm a little scared of doing this work on my own.
We had a good talk the night before he left and I was saying to him that I had been a bit anxious about him going away and how I was going to cope with the boredom. He sent me a text lastnight, it said " U will be ok u just need to write yourself a new story and make sure u read it every day for 21 days so it becomes a habit, I love u so much u r never alone, my thoughts will b with u when I'm away" - he's right, this is going to be easy.
I'm back into my love of books, reading the Secret of Success by James Arthur Ray, it's good food for the soul at the moment. If I can get through this 3 weeks, I can do anything, it's just another task I need to complete, to move things along in my life.

5am alarm on Sunday

Sometimes my darling husband can be SO annoying.......not only has he gone fishing for 2 days at Peaceful Bay after spending a week in Perth this hitch off, but he left his 5am alarm set for me this morning....but I do really love him, hey we wouldn't have been together for 22 years if I didn't, just sometimes he does those little things that I want to shout "Aaaargh"
Anyway, there's my vent for today. I haven't really seen that much of him this time home and he goes back to work on Wednesday and I'll be home alone again with the "kids in fur coats" (pets). But I know it's all for a reason and he works so hard and it's not forever.
My computer had a bit of a meltdown on Friday, apparently from downloading games to it, so no more games for me. I've decided to go back to reading, I buy books, but rarely these days do I actually get to finish one, I'm sure you all know what I mean, my bookcase looks great but there are not too many there that I can say how good they are coz I never fully read them.
Seeing as playing the computer games replaced my love of seeking comfort in all those bad foods and I'm changing the way I look at things, and now that I've uninstalled all the games, books are going to be my new passion - no virus in between those pages !! I always said to myself "I don't have time to read" but if I had time to play on the computer then I have time to read. Not only will I be healthier, I'll be more educated !!

6kgs gone......

Stepped on the scales yesterday and did a double take, stepped off, then stepped back on, 6 kgs - I have lost 6 kilo's in almost 7 weeks and in the middle of that was the festive season, not to mention my 40th birthday. Wow, Scott Harris, thank you SO much for helping me to get to this point where food no longer controls my life.
Don't get me wrong, I still love it, but, I realise the difference now between eating unconsciously and eating to survive and there is a HUGE difference. Friday, my parents came to visit for lunch and I was telling D that I unconsciously made them a healthy sandwich and when I sat down to eat, I was thinking to myself, I just did that, without even thinking. You know those times when you drive to work and you don't remember actually the process of getting there even though you know you got there safely? Well that's what I used to do with food, I'd eat without even thinking, and then afterwards sit and look at an empty family block of chocolate wrapper and a 1 litre empty tub of Conoisseur icecream (cookies & cream or cafe grande) and think - "my god, did i just eat all that?" and the thing was I didn't even get the pleasure of enjoying it, it was just to make me feel better at the time, make all the other stuff just go away for an hour.
Things, have changed, we would drink Coke at our house like it was water, now we don't have it in the house anymore, but if I feel like one, I might stop on my way home from work and grab a can just as a treat.
I totally, totally, get it now, it's not even really about the food, I mean, don't get me wrong, it is, but it's more about the association you get from eating that food unconsciously - it serves a purpose and it's not for survival.
I'm feeling very proud of myself for turning this milestone and even though it's taken me 40 years to get here - I wouldn't change anything for the world !!

Middle age......

Today's comment on my calendar was this "Middle age is when you realise that you'll never live long enough to try all the recipes you spent 30 years clipping out of newspapers and magazines"
When I read that today, I went OMG that is so true. I turned 40 on xmas eve, they say its the new 30, but one thing I have realised is that I don't feel any older, just the number keeps changing every year. I asked my mum, who is in her mid 70's, if she feels older, she said no, just that her body doesn't like doing what it used to do so easily. I think I know what she means since I fell off my bike in December, it has certainly taken it's time healing - a lot longer than it used to.
Work has finished for another week, as I only work 3 days a week. My boss came back to work today after not seeing him since before xmas, he's exhausted, reckons he came back to work for a rest with all his family around he has to play chief mediator of the house.
Not planning on doing much on my 4 days off, the weather here is going to be yuck - 37C tomorrow and 39C for Friday, we are usually a couple of degrees cooler but not that it's going to make much difference, Anook our malamute will be looking forward to coming into the air-conditiong, I must say though that since we've moved down here the weather has been a little more forgiving than in Perth.
Batten down the hatches......and start cooking all those recipes I've been collecting !!

Townsville progress

Well there's been some news on the Townsville project, the letter has been sent and fingers crossed that in 14 days, we should have a resolution in our favour. When I got home from work lastnight, there was an email from the agent who put us in this position saying "hope you had a good xmas and new year, hope we can get over the small hiccup we had at the end of 2008, hope we can continue to work in the spirit of the relationship we had developed prior to this happening" God, I was SO angry, it was time for me to go back all guns blazing, but I heard something once that says if you want to send someone an email that is not very pleasant to type it out and then send it to yourself first b4 sending it to the person concerned. So I did, I needed to get all this frustration out, I told him, how we were glad that he could look at it as "a small hiccup" because from where we're standing looking down the barrel of possible legal action from the developers against us it hardly feels like that. I said that because of his poor communication skills we had ended up in this situation, if we had know that the unit was in Stage 1 and due for settlement now, we would have never have signed that contract in the first place. To make matters worse, he had continued to advise us not once, not twice but 3 times that we were in Stage 2 and not to worry. Whilst we reliase that he didn't intentionally do this to put us in harms way, we can forgive one mistake and possibly 2, but 3, starts to wear very thin, considering now we have had to go take a legal course of action to see if we can get out of this.
And that we've never received so much as an apology from them, instead comments like "s*** happens" and "all parties involved compounded human errors" we haven't found to be all that constructive in the process and the relationship with the developer so far to date has not provided a satisfactory outcome for us, which has now lead us to looking into a legal course of action instead. The fact that they have offered to pay $10,000 if we forfeited our deposit to get us into Stage 2, speaks volumes to me that it's their error through and through.
I also added that he had represented his company in a very poor light and this experience had left us with a very bitter taste in our mouths. That being said, that we cannot ever have a working relationship with him because we have very little trust and confidence in what he has to tell us anymore.
I felt so much better once I got it out and then I sent it to myself and read it, it's harsh, but we've never truly said how we feel to him. It's still sitting in my inbox, not sent, but waiting until all this passes and I can look back and reflect on it.

Friends or acquaintances?

Friends, I ask myself about some of the people that I have in my life - I actually think some are more acquaintances than true friends, you know the ones, they're in your life but only seem to be in it for themselves, drain you of energy almost? I always have to contact them, if left to their own devices, I hardly hear from them only when they want something. I have a couple of these and this year although this probably sounds mean I've decided that it's time for them to go. It's interesting isn't it? I've left them to their own devices for a week or so now and heard nothing from them, I'll be interested to actually see how long it takes, will keep you posted on the outcome.
Since the weekend at the Gold Coast I feel more positive about saying how I feel or acting on how I feel rather than complaining internally and bottling it up.
D up in Perth this week, doing some final reno's on our old house in Perth, the patio needs to be finished off.
Weighed myself this morning, lost 4.6 kgs so far - hoping to get back on the bike and walking this week after my fall on the 9th December, my ankle and knee are getting much better after all of my debarcle with the staph infection & swelling. Can really recommend Arnica if anyone is interested in homeopathic remedies, great for muscle strains & sprains.
Back to work today, thought my boss was going to be back today but another day off apparently. Hmmm, more time to get stuff sorted.

Xmas card to my Dad

I wonder how my Dad received the letter I sent to him this christmas. Usually we just send xmas cards and that's it with a quick update on what's been happening. He left our home when I was 6 and has "floated" in and out when it suited him or when I finally got jack of it and didn't see him anymore - haven't seen him in 22 years - gosh that's a long time.
After our recent trip to the Gold Coast to participate in Scott Harris' Authentic Results course in early December my life has completely changed. I have learnt so much about myself - even got to break a board with my bare hand!
So this year I decided it was time to stop carrying around all this crap that I had for so long thinking that if I had been a better daughter, perhaps he would have loved me more and not left when realistically he didn't leave because of me, it was just the story I told myself at the time.
So I used food as a comfort and built my SUPERIOR suit of armour to keep people away from me, thinking that if I looked unattractive then people wouldn't want to get to know me and then they wouldn't be able to hurt me.
Oh how things changed when we attended Scott's weekend. He finally helped me to see and make sense of what the hell I was doing to myself. I knew I had to do work on myself since having a nervous breakdown 2 years ago but was reluctant about going because I wasn't even sure if I was ready to let go of my protective suit.
Now I feel like I've lost all the weight already and just need it to fall off of me, so I can step out of it and leave it behind.
The letter to my dad was cathartic, and at first I wasn't going to even post it, but it needed to be said, it wasn't hurtful, and I don't blame him for anything, it's just time to move on, just hoped he received it well.

It's all new to me

Well I'm still relatively new to this blogging business, but I was on another blogspot but it was always too much drama to post anything on there. Took forever and kept timing out on me, so I thought I would change and found myself here.

Another stinking hot day here today in WA (Western Australia), 37C in Perth, we're 2 hours south so it's usually a little cooler down here but not much. I read in the paper that we're heading for our 14th day in a row over 35C ugh.....I much prefer the cold weather than the hot.

We finished painting the rendered garden bed yesterday of the house we're renovating. Photo's above of "The Grand Plan" which is what we're aiming for and "The Real Deal" - it's come up really good and the house is slowly being pushed from 1980's into the 2009. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we can move onto the next one. Went looking on Friday for our next investment, saw lots of houses, most of them absolutely shocking, but some had potential, D and I just have to get together now and decide which ones we liked.

Which also brings me to the question, god knows when we're going to get time to plant the garden bed out, he's in the city all this week and then back to work on the 21st for 3 weeks to the floating steel hotel (oil rig). It's a team effort so I need his input before we go chucking plants in - I think it's going to be Native Plants.

News on the Townsville Off the Plan deal hasn't been too bad, with the solicitor telling us that we have a strong case to try and get out of the contract with a small degree of risk, NOT being able to get out of it. Considering it's been a series of errors by our real estate agent, we're hoping for the best and to get our deposit back. But we'll keep looking forwards, we won't have been the first people in this position, nor will we be the last.

Will keep you updated. Back to work tomorrow - yuck :(