Mothers hand me down issues....

So many topics to discuss, where do I start? The cat is still not eating, so I locked her inside today with a full bowl of food hoping that she might eat something.
D evac’d off rig due to Cyclone Dominic and he’s living it up in the lap of luxury at the Hyatt in Perth no less, gee and I was under the assumption that working offshore was hard work? But it is cyclone season I guess.
The friend saga, ok well I thought I had managed to successfully get rid of them but no such luck – any of my friends that happen to be reading this wondering if it could be you – it’s NOT. These are people, I would loosely call them 'acquaintances' actually who you meet by chance (both male) and because the husband works away think that they can “help you out” in other ways……..and are not afraid of telling you in more colourful language than what I’ve just used.
I mean if I was single I’d be happy, but I’m not, and it doesn’t matter how many times you stress this to them and that you are truly not interested and that I love & respect my husband of 20 odd years, it kind of goes in one ear and out the other and whilst it’s in the space between the ears it seems to translate into “sure, I’m saying no, but I really mean yes” WTF? It’s getting to the point now where I’ve actually said to the pair of them “F-off” and they still don’t get it?
I am a person of value and I think that is my problem, my downfall, you see if someone sends me a text message or an email, I don’t want to be rude & I think that they have taken the time to send it, I should be courteous and reply – this has obviously gotten me in trouble and getting me nowhere fast.
This has a lot to do with my upbringing – my mum always taught me “don’t say no, become a ‘yes' girl and people will like you. You don’t want to upset people by saying “no”, You don’t want people not liking you and when they don’t like you we need to obsess over what on earth we have done wrong” Hmmm, well I can tell you from experience that this has got me absolutely nowhere in life being like this but I propose that it was what my gran taught my mum and bless her she thought she’d bequeath it to me.
Anyway, I digress, so here I am in this situation. What I find strange is the fact that I think I’m overweight (which I am, there's no doubt in this issue) and don’t think of myself as that pretty, beautiful or sexy and yet, I have way more attention than I can handle and from 2 married men. Why is it as girls, we grow up with so many issues, sometimes I wish I could be like a man and just say what I feel, do what I feel with no regard for what anyone else thinks. Perhaps I need to adopt this stance on the issue.
Townsville deadline today, no news as yet, I’m getting nervous. D thinks that we have nothing to worry about; hopefully I will have news tomorrow.

Time to fight my demons

Took D to Perth lastnight and he flew back to work this morning for 3 weeks. I realised on the way up that I hadn't been to Perth since just before christmas. The city that I had lived in for all of my life until 9 months ago holds no attraction for me anymore. I never thought I'd feel like that about the city, I used to love it but not anymore, instead all I get is cranky as I drive the second hour of the journey from our new home down south. All those people who incessantly insist on driving in the right hand lane, regardless of whether or not they're doing 5kms under the speed limit - it's their right and that's what they're going to do.......and we wonder why so many people end up sick. If all you care about is making someone elses life hard it's going to come back and bite you on the bum at sometime, in any way it can, the old adage "what goes around"
Anyway, enough of that, so here I am alone for the next 3 weeks, knowing that it's time to face a lot of demons that I've been pushing away for so so long. It's been easy while D has been home, I haven't focussed on them but now that he's gone, I'm a little scared of doing this work on my own.
We had a good talk the night before he left and I was saying to him that I had been a bit anxious about him going away and how I was going to cope with the boredom. He sent me a text lastnight, it said " U will be ok u just need to write yourself a new story and make sure u read it every day for 21 days so it becomes a habit, I love u so much u r never alone, my thoughts will b with u when I'm away" - he's right, this is going to be easy.
I'm back into my love of books, reading the Secret of Success by James Arthur Ray, it's good food for the soul at the moment. If I can get through this 3 weeks, I can do anything, it's just another task I need to complete, to move things along in my life.

6kgs gone......

Stepped on the scales yesterday and did a double take, stepped off, then stepped back on, 6 kgs - I have lost 6 kilo's in almost 7 weeks and in the middle of that was the festive season, not to mention my 40th birthday. Wow, Scott Harris, thank you SO much for helping me to get to this point where food no longer controls my life.
Don't get me wrong, I still love it, but, I realise the difference now between eating unconsciously and eating to survive and there is a HUGE difference. Friday, my parents came to visit for lunch and I was telling D that I unconsciously made them a healthy sandwich and when I sat down to eat, I was thinking to myself, I just did that, without even thinking. You know those times when you drive to work and you don't remember actually the process of getting there even though you know you got there safely? Well that's what I used to do with food, I'd eat without even thinking, and then afterwards sit and look at an empty family block of chocolate wrapper and a 1 litre empty tub of Conoisseur icecream (cookies & cream or cafe grande) and think - "my god, did i just eat all that?" and the thing was I didn't even get the pleasure of enjoying it, it was just to make me feel better at the time, make all the other stuff just go away for an hour.
Things, have changed, we would drink Coke at our house like it was water, now we don't have it in the house anymore, but if I feel like one, I might stop on my way home from work and grab a can just as a treat.
I totally, totally, get it now, it's not even really about the food, I mean, don't get me wrong, it is, but it's more about the association you get from eating that food unconsciously - it serves a purpose and it's not for survival.
I'm feeling very proud of myself for turning this milestone and even though it's taken me 40 years to get here - I wouldn't change anything for the world !!

Friends or acquaintances?

Friends, I ask myself about some of the people that I have in my life - I actually think some are more acquaintances than true friends, you know the ones, they're in your life but only seem to be in it for themselves, drain you of energy almost? I always have to contact them, if left to their own devices, I hardly hear from them only when they want something. I have a couple of these and this year although this probably sounds mean I've decided that it's time for them to go. It's interesting isn't it? I've left them to their own devices for a week or so now and heard nothing from them, I'll be interested to actually see how long it takes, will keep you posted on the outcome.
Since the weekend at the Gold Coast I feel more positive about saying how I feel or acting on how I feel rather than complaining internally and bottling it up.
D up in Perth this week, doing some final reno's on our old house in Perth, the patio needs to be finished off.
Weighed myself this morning, lost 4.6 kgs so far - hoping to get back on the bike and walking this week after my fall on the 9th December, my ankle and knee are getting much better after all of my debarcle with the staph infection & swelling. Can really recommend Arnica if anyone is interested in homeopathic remedies, great for muscle strains & sprains.
Back to work today, thought my boss was going to be back today but another day off apparently. Hmmm, more time to get stuff sorted.

Xmas card to my Dad

I wonder how my Dad received the letter I sent to him this christmas. Usually we just send xmas cards and that's it with a quick update on what's been happening. He left our home when I was 6 and has "floated" in and out when it suited him or when I finally got jack of it and didn't see him anymore - haven't seen him in 22 years - gosh that's a long time.
After our recent trip to the Gold Coast to participate in Scott Harris' Authentic Results course in early December my life has completely changed. I have learnt so much about myself - even got to break a board with my bare hand!
So this year I decided it was time to stop carrying around all this crap that I had for so long thinking that if I had been a better daughter, perhaps he would have loved me more and not left when realistically he didn't leave because of me, it was just the story I told myself at the time.
So I used food as a comfort and built my SUPERIOR suit of armour to keep people away from me, thinking that if I looked unattractive then people wouldn't want to get to know me and then they wouldn't be able to hurt me.
Oh how things changed when we attended Scott's weekend. He finally helped me to see and make sense of what the hell I was doing to myself. I knew I had to do work on myself since having a nervous breakdown 2 years ago but was reluctant about going because I wasn't even sure if I was ready to let go of my protective suit.
Now I feel like I've lost all the weight already and just need it to fall off of me, so I can step out of it and leave it behind.
The letter to my dad was cathartic, and at first I wasn't going to even post it, but it needed to be said, it wasn't hurtful, and I don't blame him for anything, it's just time to move on, just hoped he received it well.